Do you struggle with fear of failure and not being “good enough?” Does this stop you from pursuing your goals? Perhaps you’ve done some work on yourself and wonder why you continue to feel “less than.”
You are not alone and there is hope for relief and change.
The Need to Belong
We come into this world wired for love and connection. We have a need to belong, to be part of, and to be accepted. This is necessary to ensure our survival. When we grow up in an environment where we feel safe, loved, and cared for, we learn to feel love and compassion for ourselves and others. When we feel seen and heard we learn to value ourselves.
Family of Origin
Many of us, however, grew up in environments that were less than nurturing. There may have been dysfunction, chaos, abuse and neglect, or authoritarian parenting. We may have been shamed for our behavior, our feelings, our likes and dislikes. As a result we learned to be critical of ourselves. Some of us interpreted encouragement from our parents to reach for more, as meaning we were not good enough. Our efforts were not good enough. We then internalized the belief that we could never be good enough.
The Inner Critic
As a result we began to live our lives with self-criticism, self-blame, and even self-loathing. In our current life we may cope by striving for perfection in an effort to feel “good enough” and escape the dreaded internal critic. Other times we rebel and pretend we don’t care. Some of us live small, hiding inside our quiet lives. Living with self-criticism is soul destroying. It dampens feelings of hope, of possibility, and it creates a disconnect. It objectifies who we are and separates us. It is the judge or critic against the self, the spirit. The self hiding in fear or lashing out in rebellion, but always believing “I am not good enough.”
A State of Disconnection
We live in this state of disconnection. We are disconnected from others because of our fear of being shamed, blamed, or criticized. In this state we cannot be or become. We cannot self-actualize. We don’t take risks or venture out, because it’s dangerous. We risk exposure followed by criticism. We can’t make mistakes so we don’t even try. There may or may not be a critic in our life, but there’s always a critic who lives in our head. We become helpless against this relentless critic who assaults us at every turn. “Who do you think you are? You can’t do that. You’re not smart enough, good enough, thin enough, beautiful enough etc. There are varying degrees of disdain that we hold toward ourselves, but any amount serves to hold us back and keep us small.
The Protector
The critic serves as a protector. It’s role is to ensure that we succeed, that we perfect, or that we stay small in order to be accepted, to belong, and to be safe. It’s misguided efforts to ensure our survival actually squelches our spirit and our development. It creates shame or increases existing shame, which is really about our deep rooted fear that we won’t belong and we won’t be accepted. But the critic is not the enemy. We need to befriend our critic and validate it’s concerns and it’s worries. We need to reassure it that we have the resources to take care of ourselves. We can cope with disappointments and shortcomings as a natural part of being human.
The Practice of Self-Compassion
Self-compassion has been called the “antidote to shame.” Self-criticism creates or feeds shame while self-compassion relieves it. Self-compassion, defined simply, is the ability to feel kindness toward ourselves during our moments of struggle, to accept ourselves unconditionally, and to stay present with our struggle without judging it, trying to escape from it, or change it.
Dr. Kristen Neff is a pioneer in the field of self-compassion research. She describes self-compassion as having three elements: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. With self-kindness you acknowledge your suffering with a desire to relieve that suffering and with common humanity you recognize that suffering is part of the human experience and you are not alone. Finally, with mindfulness you observe thoughts, feelings, and sensations without judgment. You don’t deny or suppress feelings or over-identify with them.
Self-Compassion in Action
If you recognize that you are frozen in fear and unable to move forward it’s time for you to be held in the warm embrace of self-compassion. It calms the intense feelings of fear, shame, and self-loathing so you don’t have to escape or shut down in self-protection. What can you do?
- Recognize that you are struggling with fear and frustration. Extend kindness toward yourself the way you would a friend you care about. You might say to yourself “I know this is really difficult for you. It’s OK sweetheart.” You can gently reassure your inner critic by saying “I know you are trying to protect me but I will be OK. I am not perfect and I will make mistakes which will help me learn and grow.”
- Remember that you are not alone and many people experience similar feelings. It’s part of the human experience. Everyone has fears of not belonging or being accepted.
- Observe the thoughts, feelings, and sensations you are experiencing without judgment. Do not try to change them but simply accept them and be with them. Notice how they shift and change in intensity. A small mindfulness exercise can help. As you breathe in, state the feeling in your mind and as you exhale, say “yes.” You acknowledge and accept your feelings.
Bringing it Home
Self-compassion was a “missing link” in my journey of healing and growth. While I worked hard to gain self-esteem through various accomplishments, it simply wasn’t enough. A self-compassion practice has allowed me to walk through my fears and calm my inner critic. It’s allowed me to accept myself as I am in this moment “perfectly imperfect.” I can make mistakes and own them knowing that it’s part of being human. I take comfort knowing that I’m not alone in my struggle. When I give myself the care and compassion I need, it gives me the freedom to take risks and try new things. It allows me to connect with others on a deeper level because I’m no longer afraid of what they will see. And when I’m afraid…I practice self-compassion.
Thank you for your time and interest in reading this post. I hope you have found some value. Please feel free to write a comment, ask a question or suggest a topic of interest for future posts.